The Humor Stack is committed to connecting Substack humorists with readers who need to laugh. This week, we have a second very special guest for election week in America. Our guest is the whacky and wonderful (and Canadian) Robin Wilding with an important message for the Americans in our midst.
(So, ahem, get out and vote!)
No, You Can’t Move to Canada If Trump is Re-elected
I’m sorry if you elect Cheeto Mussolini— but we’re full.
by
ofOh America, you’re about to do it again. More veiled promises about moving to Canada once Old Whack Donald is elected. It’s a trope as old as our countries, ‘If X happens, I swear — I’m moving to Canada!’
The first time you elected the Dicktator Tot, throngs of your celebrities said they were moving to Canada. The list includes Lena Dunham, George Lopez, Samuel ‘Motherfucker’ Jackson, Jon Stewart, and Snoop Dogg. We waited and waited. Sadly, no Dunham. No Dogg.
You get our hopes higher than Snoop.
We all politely queue up at the border in our parkas, keeping ourselves warm with Tim Horton’s coffee while dreaming of our new American friendships.
Commercials ring across our public advertisement campaigns saying “For only the cost of a plasma TV per day — you can save an American. Sponsor your gringo today, and make a difference.” The soft dulcet tones of Canada’s Sarah McLachlan playing in the background. Our angel arms outstretched, to welcome our new American refugees.
We have ‘fugee-filled visions dancing in our heads of you laying down your AR-15s, and crossing the border of the 49th parallel. We immediately take you to our free hospitals, knowing that you likely haven’t had adequate medical care in quite some time.
Once settled, you don your best Canadian tuxedos, raise your right hand, and swear your oath to being all ‘aboot’ Canada. Your left hand, on a bottle of maple syrup, as you repeat our swearing-in phrase:
“Do you swear to protect the mighty and noble beaver, and promise to make ice skating and polar-bear riding your sole forms of transportation — so help you Nickelback?”
Then you live happily ever after in the land of hockey and healthcare, free from the persecutions of the tyrant you left behind.
But back to reality. And, well — you can’t.
I’m ‘sorrey’ to burst your Bubba Gump bubble, but you can’t just move to Canada. We’re not your bailout backup plan — and you can’t just ‘Blame Canada’ and our hockey hullabaloo this time.
You made your gun-toting, heart-attack-laden, human-Cheeto-electing bed. You broke America, you fix it.
You can’t just drive your car up here and plant a flag. A car that might have one of those popular “Fuck off, we’re full” bumper stickers — which in Canada say, “Sorrey, we’re full eh”.
Also, you can’t just claim a new place as your home. We have silly rules about those things, like immigration.
It’s almost like we’re a real country. Even if we do use Monopoly money.
B̶l̶a̶m̶e̶ Move to Canada, Eh
I may have stretched the syrupy truth, we’re not actually full.
In 2023 alone we took in 471,771 permanent immigrants, with about 140,000 of them being refugees. Recent numbers for how many people applied aren’t available because we were too busy grooming our beavers, but in 2021, 1.8 million people applied.
The number of applications for 2025 may go up if Dolt45 is re-elected, or stages a Scooby Coup and permanently becomes Emperor Trumpigula or Sultan Spraytan. Although they didn’t last time you elected Trump:
“In 2016, Canada received 7,745 applications for permanent residency from Americans, a 13% increase over 2015. As Trump took office in 2017, the number remained stable, with 7,446 applications received in the first 11 months of the year,” reports The Guardian
There is one piece of good news though, Trump isn’t welcome since he’s officially a felon. America, by re-electing the 34-time felon, Super-callous-fragilistic-excon-is-the-POTUS, you’re really living up to the term Europeans have for you — “A third-world country with a Gucci belt”.
Canada can, and often does, deny entry to Americans with a felony. We also don’t allow you to bring drugs, like marijuana, into the country; we want you to proudly buy locally (from our dispensaries that are conveniently located on every corner).
It’s not as easy as Americans think to move to Canada. Welcome to the Bureaucratic Republic of Canada. We have long queues for most things, but unlike our British forefathers, we’re not as happy about it. We do however have extremely functional public portals, which in my opinion are leaps and bounds better than many of their US counterparts.
We do try to make it as streamlined and polite as possible though.
How Long Until You’re A Canucklehead?
We know, with The Big Lie-bowski presidency looming over your heads like a dark Republican cloud— you’re in a hurry to defect to the syrupy dark side. The bad news is that it takes 3–5 years to become a Canadian citizen, which will also be about as long as the Trump presidency lasts. Unless he turns it into a dictatortotship.
The good news is we’ve put in a fast pass.
With only 39 million Canadians, we need the bodies. As the second largest country in the world, that’s only 3.89 people per square kilometer by the way. I don’t know what that is in Freedom units. Something like 12 bald eagles per square Chick-fil-A.
With the Express Entry program, you can become a resident in as little as 180 days, for $1,500 Canadian dollars (which is probably about $17 USD). That’s if you fall into one of our preferential-as-all-hell categories for our Federal Skilled Worker Program, Canadian Experience Class Program, or Federal Skilled Trades Program.
We like proficient-in-polite people, with shiny skills.
Canada is looking for a Liam Neeson-esque special set of skills, like technology nerds, beaver hunters, accountants, poutine food truck owners, healthcare professionals, polar bear cops, pilots, heavy-duty mechanics, snow plow and Zamboni drivers, and other trades.
You’re Welcome Eh?
Let the post-Trump Canadian immigration Hunger Games begin. Those of you with enough Canucklehead-ish skills will be welcome to join us, after an elaborate audition process that we broadcast on Canada’s national public broadcaster, the CBC. You may have to bare-knuckle box a polar bear or seduce a moose. Then you’ll be tested with a Sourtoe shot and kissing the cod.
That is if you actually follow through on your promise-like threat of moving to Canada this time should the Mansplainian Candidate get a second term.
Your celebrities will of course be welcome since you’ve given refuge to almost all of ours over the years. We look forward to Snoop finally arriving, and hosting a new show about beaver hunting. And George Lopez’s new standup skit about Snow Mexicans.
Sorrey, but you can’t all come.
Our maple syrup reserves are at a 16-year low. We only have 3.1 million kgs left and we can’t share it with every asylum-asking American.
And now, for the Q & A portion of the program…
Kate: Robin, I fell down the rabbit hole investigating the polar bear beat cop (who one day had to deal with 22 polar bears), the Sourtoe shot (which I sadly will never be able to erase from my mind) and the screeching in ceremony. Tell us, are Canadians concerned with the American election or are you too busy tapping maple syrup, kissing fish and wrestling bears up there to worry about our shenanigans down south?
Robin: Our maple-syrup-tapping season won't begin again until February, and our national Polar-Bear Wrestling games don't start until December, so at the moment we have time to dabble in American politics. Which we watch, nervously eating popcorn, like it's the wildest reality show on TV. We are concerned with the election as we share the largest undefended border in the world--and if that neighbour becomes a dictatorship we'll have ....ahem...concerns.
K: Robin, you seem to be wildly successful on Medium and already you are making a splash on Substack. This may be due to that mermaid outfit I hear you wear while writing (and your 15 years of experience) but also, your irreverent humor is clearly on the pulse of something that resonates. Talk to us about finding your audience.
R: In a world full of doom scrolling I think my audience keeps coming back because they know they can expect a laugh. A laugh from humor that never punches down, or punches at all really. It's self-deprecating and relatable. I'm that funny bestie we all want in our lives, the one that we can rely on a laugh when we need it.
K: So true. I love humor that doesn't punch down. What's also great about what you do is that you create resources for other writers. I've told you before that I used your Boosted Pubs article religiously to navigate my way early on Medium. Do you think there is something inherently collaborative or generous in your writing philosophy?
R: I'm so happy you found that list helpful! And not just because it was a decent amount of work to put together hehe. Although as a fellow list maker, you know how it is.
As for being collaborative and helpful, I guess I never outgrew my justice phase as a kid. I see too much shite advice out there, and people profiting from it. As someone with experience and still in the trenches, I want to help. Or maybe I'm just a shitty capitalist because I could make so much more money if I did the same.
K: What is the funniest piece you’ve read recently?
R: There are so many hilarious writers out there, but if people don't know Claire Franky yet--she's a must-read for those looking for a sassy-pantsed chuckle.
If you're wondering which recent piece of hers...just swing a dead cat and pick one, they're all hilarious.
K: Can't wait to check her out! Thanks so much for joining us, Robin. Hopefully we Americans will not be banging down your door on November 6th. Or if we do, we'll at least try to bring back Ryan Reynolds.
Robin has been a professional writer for over 15 years, but it's only in the last few years she's discovered her passion for making people laugh. While learning to cope with chronic illness and pain she discovered the power of laughter and wants to bring it to the world. Her unique brand of sunny-side-up-yet-sassy writing is infectious and her comments section keep the laughs going.
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Why do they always want to come here? Mexico is always available.
As a fellow Canadian, I enjoyed this read. I also love Claire Franky!